Years ago I felt like I was being prompted to write, but I didn’t know what I would write about. I mean, my life is pretty hum-drum. It would be nothing too impressive, just normal musings of a stay-at-home. But the urge was there and I didn’t know what to do with it. So I just pushed it to the back of my mind and got busy doing life. If ever it surfaced I would push it down and move on. No one would want to hear about my boring life.
But more than that, I didn’t want to expose myself. That would be risky. I would have to address issues in my life. Expose my true inner self. Did I want people to know the real me? Better yet, did I want to know the real me?
Most of the time when I write it’s emotional. It gets all of those feelings out of my body and onto paper – or nowadays, a computer. I can look at those emotions from outside myself and deal with them in a better way. I feel like it makes me more objective of “me” and what I’m feeling. It’s cathartic!
I’ve never considered myself much of a writer although I don’t mind it. Over time, it became more and more evident that I had the urge to write. I needed to write! First I started writing in a prayer journal, not religiously but enough. Then our family faced some difficult “stuff”. I began to take solace in keeping a journal. Emotions would bubble up and I would have to get it out. It came to the point that pen to paper was too risky because I didn’t want family members to stumble upon my writings. So the computer began to hold all my secrets.
Just a few months back, it happened! It all came to a head and crashed in on me. After a particular sermon, my “toes stomped upon” and my heart felt like it had been squeezed to the point of bursting. After rumbling around in my head and heart for a day or so, I needed to let what I was feeling out. I sat down and wrote. I wrote and typed like never before. After about 4 plus hours straight, I looked up at the clock. My first thought was “Have I really been sitting here writing for that long?” My face was a little tear stained, my coffee was cold, and I was still in my fuzzy PJs.
It hit me! In my heart, in my mind; it was if I could hear God saying sarcastically, “I gave you something to write about!” (And no, I don’t really hear God’s voice like James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman or like the movie in the Ten Commandments. I sense it stirring inside my head and heart. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you and that’s okay because sometimes I grapple with it myself.) It was like a child that is crying about some trivial little thing and the parent says, “Stop crying or I’m going to give you something to cry about!” I mean I’ve never said that as a parent. Oh, wait. Maybe just a time or two.
In my heart, in my mind; it was if I could hear God saying sarcastically, “I gave you something to write about!”
What I had been doing was pushing aside the thought that God could use my written words or more importantly that God wanted to use my written words. I was much like Moses giving God one excuse after another. What would I write about? Nobody wants to hear about my hum-drum life. I’m too busy. Until, finally, My Father broke down and had to get all sarcastic with me!
Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say. ~ Exodus 4: 11-12
Now, I ponder the thought that had I sat down and wrote like I was prompted to the first time, almost 5 years ago; maybe, just maybe… I may never know. What I do know is when God prompts me to do something I should probably do it. The truth is, sometimes I don’t and I didn’t. Just like Moses I kept offering up excuses
“O, Lord, please send someone else to do it.” Then the Lord’s anger burned against Moses ~ Exodus 4:13-14
Moses finally, does what God has prompted him to do. He does some really fantastic, creepy, scary sort of stuff and leads God’s people out of Egypt. He’s faced with the Red Sea before him and the Egyptian army behind him. Guess what? God parted the Red Sea and the Israelites, God’s chosen, walked across on dry land. Muddy waters cleared!
Muddy waters come and go. For the past several years I’ve struggled with wanting to see God’s purpose for me. My purpose for this moment in time to glorify God and do His will. Seeking clarity. I’ve even prayed for clarity. The problem wasn’t that God wasn’t showing me but I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to do. It was there but I was ignoring it. I never felt like God was angry at me but there were a lot of times I felt disconnected from God. It took some really bruised toes and a heart burst some five years later to realize what God was asking me to do. Hindsight is always 20/20 and in my Bible, I wrote on April 22, 2012 “Lord teach me what to say”. It took me five long years!
My words will probably not impact the masses but I feel like I’m doing what God has asked me to do at this moment in time. God has been faithful to give me the words. What more could I ask for?