Confession: I’m A Mess

There is nothing worse in the whole world than feeling like a cliché. Okay, perhaps there are a few things worse than that, but I’m feeling hyperbolic today. For you to enjoy understand the rest of this post, you’ll have to go with the dramatic flair.

As life would have it, the subject of direction is more than timely for me. Over the past two years, so many transitions or absolute changes have come my way, some with clear direction seemingly attached, while some leave me at a sheer loss for which way to go. Here’s a look:

• Son graduated high school in 2014.
• Son began college in fall of 2014. He has done incredibly well, and the need for my assistance has diminished every quarter. Awesome! Son is getting ready to transfer to a University to finish his Bachelor’s degree. We are on pins and needles for another 2 months to see if he’s accepted into his first choice of University.
• In 2013, we had an adoption certificate showing two little girls with our last name on it from Ghana, yet the U.S. did not agree with the Ghanaian government, and the final answer to us, after 2 years of fighting was no. One day, we’re preparing to be a family of 6, with two leaving the nest in short order and two being raised from middle childhood. The next day, we’re sending support for our two beloved non-daughters in Ghana so they can go to school, and continuing to support and shape the lives of our two very nearly grown children. Back to a family of 4.
• Daughter will graduate from high school in two months. She is then off to University (5 hours away and over a mountain pass – could be better/could be worse in terms of distance) with her best friend. She is SOOOO ready. She is extremely over quite possibly tired of hearing me say, “finish strong”.
• Feeling so sad that just as I’m enjoying this near-adult-friendship bond with my daughter, that she’s leaving. And this is so good and so right and so normal. But still.
• I’m substitute teaching on a very part time basis, usually for special ed high school students, while I try to recertify as a speech pathologist (something I laid down when raising my kids). I think I like it. But I’m not sure. I like the kids. I like the paras. I feel ill-equipped to teach. But I do like the connections. And it’s nice to have a clear purpose for that particular day. But I have NO idea what I’m supposed to do with the rest of my professional life. Advocacy? Clinical work? Education? Netflix binges?
• Husband is still traveling after all these years, woooah, still traveling after all these years (thank you, Paul Simon). And he’s getting weary of that grind.
• I’m completely, utterly, honestly over my hormones (or whore moans, if you prefer). I’m in the midst of night sweats, mood swings, fatigue, and well…I’ll spare my one male reader any further glimpse, but trust me. It ain’t pretty. You sisters know where I’m coming from, and if you don’t now, you will. I know–cheery.

In short, I’m a big middle-aged crisis achieving cliché. Ugh.

But God.

Those two little words bring me back to center, back to my true north…back to whatever direction means home. Holy Spirit dwells within me, so I always have the best direction I could want. God never said life would be easy, but He did/does say he’ll never leave me nor forsake me. He gives me new mercies each day, and He loves me back to him when I slip, by gently convicting my heart to confess my ick and turn back to Him.

So this is my prayer, and my confession, and maybe you think it self-indulgent, but my sincere hope is that if you have any of these feels, you’ll know that you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and God gives better direction than any GPS. Trust me. I’ve gotten way lost using my GPS.

Jesus, I thank you for making me, for who I am and for whose I am. Thank you for sending your Holy Spirit to give me your comfort, truth, and guidance. Thank You for being the only direction I need to follow.

• Thank you that my kids are thriving and growing and becoming more independent. You know my prayers for their hearts. Thank you that I got to raise them from infancy to adulthood and got to spend so much time with them. What fabulous memories, Lord. Even the hard times make for great stories.
• Thank you that even though our adoption didn’t work out in the way that we had wished or imagined, that you were there, keeping your hand on those girls and us throughout the process. Thank you that they are in school and thriving. Thank you for the opportunity to see a place outside of my comfort zone and incorporate it into my love for you and your people.
• Thank you for my incredible relationship with both of my adult-ish children. I know we’ll have bumps, but because of your grace, I am confident that our family will remain close. Thank you that my kids have become people with whom I genuinely would choose to spend time!
• Thank you for the opportunity to touch young lives as I substitute teach. Thank you for the students’ trust when they come up and share their hearts with me. What a privilege!
• Thank you for my training so far, and for the plans you have for me, Father. As I tell my life group of young adult women, “We know what we’re good at, we know our passions, and we know where we need to grow. Use that knowledge and take a step in faith. When we listen for God’s whisper, He’ll tell us whether we’re on the right track.” Thank you, Holy Spirit for convicting me to take my own words to heart and for your patience when I don’t.
• Thank you for my husband’s job and your provision for all we need through him. I trust You to show us the opportunities at the right times. For now…I wait upon You.
• Thank you for my hormones, Lord. Honestly. Because without them, I’d never have been able to have my beautiful children. BUT…if it’s all the same to you, I’m done having babies (if ya know what I mean, wink-wink).

God, thank you for all that you are and all that I am only because of you. What’s funny is I’ve always been a mess, but now I’m more aware of this than ever. Thank You for taking my mess and loving me in and though it. For never giving up on me, and for giving me the direction I need right when I need it. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. ~ 1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)

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Gretchen Hanna

Owner at Musings with Gretch

Gretchen has blogged for more than a decade, usually tying her faith to her reality, and has guest posted or written for Believe.com, JeanPSullivan.com and other blogs. It’s her honor to be among the writers on Grace & Such, and she is currently not only found here and at Musings with Gretch, but is also holding hands open for other writing (blogging and otherwise) and speaking opportunities as she waits upon God’s unfolding plans for her.

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Latest posts by Gretchen Hanna (see all)

• A Friend In Need - August 31, 2018
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