God Shows Up
When I was in the thick of things with my ex-pal, depression, circa 2013, I remember desperately wanting to be included, invited and wanted. I can now look back on that time and realize that this was the root of why I was depressed. I felt unseen, unwanted, uninvited and unlovable. And I can understand why people who had recently entered my life would think I was those things to some degree or another.
In my defense, if you haven’t read my story before, it’s 2009 and I had just lost my only brother, who was my best friend, gave birth to my son at age 36, separated from my husband, been reunited with my mother and three siblings after almost 20 years and found myself raising two teenagers alone. It was the perfect mix of tragedies to make me retreat into darkness. I was a mess and I empathize with those who walked into the middle of that. It surely is not a time in my life I want to relive, but it has also been the catalyst of who I’ve become.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. ~Deuteronomy 31:6 {NIV}
You see in the deepest pit of my depression, which no one really knows about, I wept. I wept for hours some days at the physical and mental pain of rejection that I felt. Rejection that I had been carrying with me since about the age of three, when my mother decided to allow her husband to physically beat me and degrade me by doing horrendous things. When, instead of safety, she drove me to the airport near Kenosha, Wisconsin, and sent me to live with a known pedophile who had fathered his own grandchild. Rejection by family members raised by that very monster who had extreme pain in their own hearts from things they had also survived.
The list could continue, but I think it’s clear that I’ve dealt with an immense load of rejection early on and continuing until I found myself in complete and utter despair. Days led into weeks, and into months and slowly into years of tearing myself apart, trying to find “the thing” that was WRONG with me.
But God.
He entered my dark and healed me from the inside out. I know now that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with who I am. Am I a perfect human? Gosh, no. But God has given me the ability to love what is here, inside my heart, head and soul. I’ve realized that the people I was longing to love me, would never. And that is okay. People only love from their own capacity and I’ve accepted this truth. I’ve accepted myself and all the amazing and beautiful things I am, and couldn’t care less about trying to be something I’m not to make someone “invite” me.
You see the most valuable thing I’ve learned in these past few years is that not everyone has to like you, but you have to love yourself. The people who are meant to “invite” or be “invited” will show up in your life. But only after you see the beauty of who you are yourself.
My life is completely filled with people who love, encourage and accept me for who I am. Don’t get me wrong, there are a select few who will call me out if I act a fool, and I appreciate them so much because I’ve had to un-learn 40 years of not so good behaviors. But I’m glad for the time that God spent helping me to discover myself. I’m thankful because I’ve realized that I’m quite a lovely gal. Spicy, opinionated, sometimes too honest, but quite lovely.
And you’re all invited to my life. Welcome.
Lover of all things Jesus. Coffee. Wine. Dessert. Not necessarily in that order.
Philadelphia Eagles, baby!! Fair weather cycle rider.Reformed “mean girl” stumbling her way to joy.
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