God is pushing at me. Again. He has done this before. He pushes me to the edge of a precipice, to a tall peak, and He says ‘jump!’
And in every case, I hesitated, teetering on the edge for a long, long time.
Just a few years ago, in my last position before retirement, the job demands were way, way over my head. Since I was chosen for this newly created position, my prideful ego was flying high. Funny how pride blinds us to warning signs.
So with little earnest prayer, or discernment from the wise, I accepted it. Off I went into this global position that had me flying to Cairo and Moscow and Bangkok on a passport that, up until this point, had only one vacation-based stamp in it. It was exciting and energizing.
Until it wasn’t.
But, the position wasn’t the precipice that God intended for me, although He certainly used it as a teaching tool of great magnitude. The precipice He took me to involved the risk of public failure, of trusting Him in the face of certain humiliation and embarrassment. A choice I had rarely (if ever) made in my whole life.
Yup. That’s where He put me. On the edge of being swallowed up by the thing I feared most. Failure. Publicly.
The earthly truth was that the position was so new that no one knew how to do it well so I had no expertise to tap into. I had a manager who knew less than I did about what was needed and even less about the new global markets we were moving into.
That’s not why I failed.
I failed because my pride kept me from admitting I needed help, paralyzed by fear that others would think me a loser, a failure if I dare ask a question. But more so, it kept me locked in the energy-sapping efforts of hiding behind the mask of feigned-competency. It kept me from being free.
At the edge of the precipice, God told me to trust and jump in with Him. To unmask, to drop my pride-filled fear and to admit my need to everyone, to whoever I needed to, whatever the consequences. In a hotel far from home, with that prayer of surrender, I took my heavy bag of anxiety, dumped it on the floor and left it all there. At the foot of the Cross.
The ‘peace that surpasses all understanding’ (Phil. 4:6-7) flooded my soul. Literally and figuratively. (If you have ever experienced that release, you know of what I speak!)
Long story made much shorter, I did tell my manager the next day, I did get some help and guidance and stayed in the position for several years. Actually retired from it.
Knowing the success that came as a result I still stand on the edge today and wonder if the jump would be worth it. As I meditate on and ponder this new precipice upon which I am teetering, I wrote this in my private journal…(I rebel against capitalization in my private writings (;o)
i don’t want to surrender completely. it’s as simple as that. my prideful ego continues to beat strong in me – ‘the force is strong in this one’ – and doesn’t want to give up any territory. yet, i know i must. maybe that’s what the precipice-standing is all about. deciding if i am ready, if i am willing to do this. and at what price. and maybe that’s where the fear enters in. what price will be required. but i know the jump brings such release. dear god, i wish you would just push me.
If it is fear that holds you back, as it too often is with me, you are – I am – just one step away from the rest He wants for us (Matthew 11:28).
Just One Step.