I recently described my current relationship with God as a game of freeze tag.
He’s “it,” and I’m running.
Because if I allow Him to catch me, I’m afraid I’ll be stuck somewhere my flesh doesn’t want to be, even though it’s something my soul longs for. He is chasing me with living water to quench my dry and weary heart, and I’m too stubborn, sinful, and downright disobedient to rest in His embrace.
He’s also chasing me with a proposition I’m not ready—physically, emotionally, nor spiritually—to consider: motherhood.
Something that has been on my heart since we bought the house and checked off that last box leading up to the “Have a Kid” step on our metaphorical Life Plan.
But something that brings with it so many other things to think about.
Will I work? I have a really wonderful ministry opportunity at the college. I love writing centers and want to make a career in academia. I’m in a good place, career-wise. I hold a master’s degree and really want to use it. I really love work. I really love my job.
Will I stay home? Financially, it would probably make the most sense. Logistically, it would probably make the most sense. Ministry starts in the home, and my child(ren) should be my main mission field. I can go back to work when the kids are in school. My career wouldn’t necessarily be over. It might have to be different, but it definitely wouldn’t be over.
If I stay at home, would we move closer to Andrew’s job? We moved to Annapolis for my job, and I definitely have the better commute. But we just bought a house. Would we sell and move twenty minutes west? Leave the house we’re currently painstakingly renovating? Will Andrew be angry that he has a 40 minute commute when it could be 20?
So many things. And I’m not even pregnant. I’m not allowed to be pregnant until a month after my surgery that I have to have again this month. (You can read more here about my experience with this surgery last year.) So I really shouldn’t be thinking about these things.
But I’m a woman with anxiety, so worrying about the future is what I do. Unfortunately.
The answer, really, is simple: let God catch me. But for some reason, I’m just not ready to submit. I’m not ready to truly consider the spiritual implications of my decisions. I’m not ready to heed this calling.
But are we ever really ready for motherhood? Do plans ever really work out perfectly? I planned for our first dog to snuggle with our first baby, and that definitely isn’t going to happen. I planned for our house to be move-in ready by mid-July, and that definitely isn’t going to happen. I didn’t plan to need surgery again, but here I am.
Here I am.
Running from God, a ledge from which I would fall into the bliss of exciting obedience—the result of just letting go. Letting Him guide me and my decisions. Letting Him have the control. Trusting His plans and His peace—His simplicity within life’s complexities.
Maybe soon I’ll let go. Or maybe it’ll take more time.
Until then (and for always), I hope I will trust the One who knows.
Are you running from God or something He’s put on your heart? Or have you had a similar experience but you’ve made it to the point where you just let go? Tell me about it—I know I can’t be the only one.