While the first solid half of my pregnancy was pretty rough, the second half (as of writing this) has been quite pleasant. Despite the annoyance of this belly I never had before, life has been good, and feeling the baby move around inside me is the most incredible thing I’ve ever felt.
It is simultaneously weird, terrifying, amazing, and lovely.
I’ve written before about facing fears—specifically, in childbirth, how women push through the impossible for the joy set before them. For me, something miraculous has happened before even getting to childbirth: I’m not afraid anymore.
I’ve had a life marked by fear and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but since the moment it really set in that I was pregnant, I have had peace that I had previously never felt before. The fears of pregnancy vanished as quickly as the two lines appeared on the test (which was nearly instantly!). Likewise, the fears of childbirth eventually evaporated. But the most remarkable thing is that this peace has extended to so many other areas in my life. I no longer fear the decision I will need to make regarding work after the baby comes. I no longer fear the possibility of missing out on work experience and pay. I no longer fear “giving up” my life to care for another one. I no longer fear what my resume shows and whether or not people will hire me in the future.
In short, I no longer fear what I used to fear about the future!
What changed? Simply the fact that there is a child growing inside of me. There is nothing like having a child growing inside of me to make me question any sense of control I ever had over my own life. The Lord is knitting a child in my womb. His hands are working inside me. He is changing me physically, mentally, and spiritually.
He is molding me as He molds our child—what an encouragement it is that He continues to shape us!
He is the Master Creator, Master Knitter, Master King, and He is extravagant. He is worthy of every single praise from every single breath we take. And He will be glorified forever!
Every kick and squirm is a reminder of the sovereignty of our Lord. What a humbling season pregnancy is—probably to prepare us for the humbling lifetime of parenting! Thank you, Father, for this good gift.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
~Psalm 139:13-16 (ESV)