“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
The word wait has a much different meaning to me now than it did not so long ago. As I struggled with depression the past few years, waiting has been the most difficult thing for me. I didn’t want to feel the way I did all that time and just wanted to be “cured”. I just wanted to be happy and living a life filled with joy.
But what I’ve learned in the wait is that I couldn’t see those things in my life. They were there but I was still holding on to way too many things to pick up the happiness. I spent too many years punishing myself for things that were out of my control.
You see, about 80% of my life has been spent convincing people that I’m “okay”.
I’ll be 45 in October so I’ve wasted a lot of time. Sadly, what I’ve found is that it wasn’t the other people that mattered because I have never believed it myself.
Since the age of about 3 people have been teaching me, through their actions, that I’m not well liked. My mother chose a man who was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive over her own child. My mother chose to send a 5-year-old girl to another state to live with a grandparent that she knew had molested his daughters through their entire adolescence. My family, those who are supposed to nurture, instead physically, verbally and emotionally abused me until I was 18 and moved out with a physically, verbally and emotional man. And so on and on and so on.
For more than 20 years I knew how worthless and unloved I was. And I defined myself as that for WAY TOO LONG.
I’m convinced that God was up there, head in hands, shaking his head back and forth. Probably thinking, “what do I need to make happen for this chick to get it?”.
And so it began.
Depression was a gift.
Although going through it sucks like nothing I’ve ever known. It has been a gift. I’ve spent a couple years dismantling myself. Letting go and receiving. Being angry and thankful. Softening my heart.
Becoming who I’ve always been.
You see when I think back to when I was just a little girl, about my granddaughter’s age, I remember giggling with my brothers and sneaking under the fence to steal rhubarb from the neighbor’s garden and building forts and sledding down the stairs. I remember being told I was a sweet little girl.
I’m nowhere near “sweet” but what I’ve learned through the “wait” is that God is faithful. What people tried to destroy in me, God has reminded me is still there. I’ve learned that I am the one who gets to decide who I am and who I am not.
I am not a victim. I am not lazy, worthless, ugly, mean, rude, stupid, or lacking common sense. I am not unlovable.
I am intelligent, funny, trustworthy, loyal, kind, compassionate, a good listener, great friend, mom and sister. And so many other amazing things.
I had to make a choice to be what they said or what He said,
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well. ~Psalm 139:14
I choose to be the best version of myself that’s possible. I’m not looking back at time lost, I’m looking forward and moving forward. And I cannot wait to see what God does next.
Stay tuned ?